You Ask For Directions To Louisville?

You ask for directions, I give you directions. You tell me you are coming through Cincy, and I say great because that is the way I would come if I were you. And it is a good thing I am not you, as I would stop to spit on the stones surrounding the stadium of the Reds. No longer the home of Pete Rose, or Petey as some of “The Beloved” still call him. Of course, there is no such word as Petey . Spell check destroys that name. The program does offer names such as Pity, Piety, and Petty , and Petty just doesn’t seem to do him justice. I am thinking Pit Bull , maybe. But that one is not in there. Or maybe his name is spelled Pete-y. That is what it is! Old Pete-y Rose. Well, enough of that nonsense. You asked for directions and I am here giving you some kind of juvenile tirade about Pete hyphen y Rose. Should have spent my capital, as little George says, on attacking Bush. We call him The Bushwhacker down here in Louisville. Signs around here warn you not to be “Bushwhacked” by his social security privatization bull hyphen shit. But you two are Bush people, so I better lay off. He is just so easy to lay into.

So, you are traveling south out of Cincy by now. One can only hope you denied the pull on the wheel to visit that little town to the left of you. A town that has all those antique buildings that they could make a tourist trap out of, but they chose instead to make a shopping mall on the river featuring all that cookie-cutter architecture we have come to know (and hate) across our land. They’ve got the Mitchell’s Fish House chain (which is very good I might add) and your Barnes and Noble, Starbucks, Gap, and so on. One must be very careful going up that hill out of Cincy because people drive fast. And bad. Did you know there are more bad drivers in Kentucky than anywhere else on the planet? People turn left on red here, if nobody is coming. They also turn in front of you at a stop sign if they think they can make it. Nobody stops at a yellow light. Everybody runs the reds. So be careful. What are you guys, mid to late seventies? You could have plenty of good years left, if you mind your p’s and q’s.

There isn’t a lot of good scenery on I-71 until I-75 splits off it. Before that, all your cookie hyphen cutter architecture we were discussing just a few moments ago abounds on your right. You got to admit I know what I am talking about. All that fake stucco. Now, even fake stone is getting big here, too. But all that is lost on the poor souls who worry about it once you get on the seventy-one for Louisville and leave I-75 behind. The hills are fabulous through here. All the foliage. And by the time you are coming through, there should be some wildflowers and pink-flowered trees budding up a storm. When you pass Carrollton there is a small sign honoring the busload of Christian kids coming back late at night from some outing at King’s Island. They were going up the big hill back home to their hearths in Radcliff when Jerry Mahoney was coming down, drunk and in their lane. His name wasn’t Jerry Mahoney, but that is how I remember the incident. Burnt the hell out of that bus. The kids couldn’t get out. The few who survived were burnt to a crisp. Terrible accident, and worth remembering because it could have been me. I could have been that Jerry Mahoney. There could have been an intervention, too, as in Divine. But that only happens when it is convenient for some preacher to bring it up. Otherwise, we are left with only God’s Will. And all those dead kids.

Hey, we are getting closer to Louisville. River City. Only about thirty minutes to go. I do like LaGrange. You may want to stop there some time to look over the downtown Main Street. Railroad tracks go straight through the center of the street, you know, through the center line. Interesting parking there. 

Then you’ve got the town of Buckner, which has a new exit, bringing its number of exits up to two. Crestwood is next, followed by the Gene Snyder Freeway (Hwy. 265). Your next exit will be the Watterson X-Way, which is only about two miles ahead so you better think about getting into the left-hand lane because that is your only option. Remember the bad drivers I was talking about? They will run your ass over. Don’t give them the opportunity. Begin your merge now. Yes, I know, they are on your ass. It isn’t going to get better. You are in Kentucky. Yes, I know they want you to go faster and you are already going 12 over the speed limit. Quit complaining. These people are simply assholes and need to be ignored. This is where your gas-guzzling behemoth should come in handy for you, unless you are up against a Hum-Vee, which we have plenty of them here, too. Notice all the big cars and trucks have “W” signs on them? Or Bush-Cheney stickers? That is your man. You voted for him, and so did Mom. So buck up and take the exit to the left on to the Watterson X-Way, otherwise known as I-264. Just stay in the left lane for now. You enter the Watterson in the left lane, and stay in it. After you pass Brownsboro Road in a mile (otherwise known as Hwy. 42) and get past that stupid on-ramp on your right, then you’ve got a couple miles in which to merge into the right-hand lane in order to exit on to the lane for Louisville and I-64 West. Don’t go too far over. You get another lane added on your right that takes you down to Shelbyville Road west. But there are signs. You will see them above your dash. You will then cross over Shelbyville Road and then freak out over how you are going to cross over three or four lanes to your right in three seconds, or less, in order to get to the farthest on-ramp for I-64 heading west to Louisville.

Did you make it? God, I hope so. You were on your own there. There was absolutely nothing I could do for you. Just remember that now you are driving parallel to Lexington Road, which would also bring you two to us. So if anything happens, (God forbid!) then what I am saying is there are still options. Say there is a wreck, and traffic is backed up? Take the next exit (Cannons Lane) to the right (north) through two stop signs to a left on Lexington Road. Our street (Cochran Hill) will be a couple of miles up the road on the right, and no problem. But if there is no wreck, and no construction delays, continue on I-64 west to the next exit, which is Grinstead Drive. You remember that one, eh? Go down the ramp, staying in the left-hand lane, and turn onto Grinstead when the light says you can. That means Green, no matter what your neighbor decides it means. Stay in the left lane; you pass the on-ramp to I-64 east, and on to your next light, which is Lexington Road. There will be a nice little green arrow that allows you to turn left when it is your turn. Be careful at this intersection. The Lieutenant Governor’s beauty queen wife ran a visiting German woman cyclist over at that intersection because she claimed the sunlight was in her eyes. She probably couldn’t see over the fucking huge dashboard of her SUV. Or she was talking on her cell phone. She smashed that German dead. Destroyed the bike. The beauty queen’s husband rushed over to take care of business with the local cops and she was promptly put back to being a local celebrity, doing fundraisers for the Girl Scouts, interviews, motivational speaking tours, and singing in the church choir. It didn’t hurt her either that she was an ex-Miss America.

I am thinking by now you made the turn. Did you? Good. You are now heading for the home stretch. Now go up the slight incline to what I think is the third street on your left. Cochran Hill. You know the rest. We’ll have a bite to eat at our house, and then off we shall go to the internationally known Humana Festival, which I am positive will be OK.